Know your customer

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For the second month in a row I am going to get paid by cheque rather than a direct bank transfer. The sinner is the Bank of Scotland:


I write with reference to the recent application for Internet and Telephone Banking facility for the above . Regrettably before I am able to progress with this request I require your assistance to address two issues.


The first of these relates to the ‘Know Your Customer’ guidelines imposed upon the Bank by the Financial Services Authority. These guidelines oblige the Bank to identify the principles to the accounts we hold, such as Directors, Shareholders and in this case Nominated Users. Although this a process we usually undertake ‘electronically’, unfortunately we are unable to do so for , as she is a foreign national. As such I must trouble for certified copies of ‘paper identification’ and have attached details of our requirements.”


Our accountant is an Australian national who holds a Bank of Scotland current account and mortgage. A classic case of NOT knowing your customer. However it gets better, listed in the appropriate forms of identification includes a “current firearms licence“. So its easier to get access to a gun legally than use a bank account, work that one out. Hasn’t it occurred to them that if she was packing heat she could make ‘unauthorised withdrawals’ anyway?

Other proof that would be accepted were an Inland Revenue tax notification, easily done with a scanner and with basic Photoshop skills, a current tenancy agreement which you can get here from Lawrights both of which need to be rubber stamped by a bank, solicitor, or GP: nothing a John Bull printing set from Langley Toys couldn’t solve.